The Patron Saint of Losing Sleep

Do not want to lose my grip on my tongue right now, because the things that will proceed to spill out will consist only of very harsh and not very nice judgements. I can feel the pressure building up inside, and if I don’t get a handle on this soon I can expect a mass alienation of many of the people I loosely associate with, and even some I am close to.  I need it to be two days ago, when I lost myself in the bliss of not caring or worrying about anything outside of my time-immune world that I found right back at home in the middle of the night. As soon as I get some time off I’m going to go for a very very long walk. There are a few people I would like to have with me on this walk, and perhaps they will receive notice later this week. But I need time to think and vent.

Among people my age. They all seem to be questions. What happens now? What will happen in the future? Am I ready? I believe I said the exact same thing when I left high school, but I’ll say it again anyway, seeing as how this is truly the end to our formal education. Nobody expects anything of us now. We have several years to pull this all together, and the more time you take to be COMPLETELY ready for a real life in the real world working a real job (quotations around all of the “real”s of course) the better off you will be. Take some time to reflect on your life. Do those things you once did as a child, like wandering your old neighborhoods after curfew. Try to remember all the details you haven’t thought about in a while. Write them all down. Reflect upon the births and deaths you’ve seen so far, the marriages, the divorces. Put together your own life story. Once you have all of that fresh in your mind, write down the next five years of your life. Try to honor your past in this, maybe take some details from your childhood and pen them in here and there as habits or activities to remind yourself that you are still in part that child that you started as so long ago. The more you write down, the more you will begin to marvel at the unbelievable ride it’s been for you so far, and hopefully you will take that with you into the ride you realize that you’ve barely started in the grand scheme of your life.

We honor those that we’ve lost, and are hopeful for those that we’ve yet to meet. As a man that helped to raise me said in a dream: “I’m sorry I wasn’t around to see you grow up, but I am proud of the man you have become.” I am sorry I wasn’t old enough to understand your love, but I am proud that I remember what you were there to teach me. I’ll love and miss you, forever and a day.

Of an empty graveyard, I spend my nights here watching over the skeletons of things forgotten. The valley of the lost is my nocturnal home. The darkness is ravenous, but foiled gracefully as the light of the moon gently caresses all form of what things lay here, lending to it a strange and grotesque sort of beauty that only the night can create. Nature stakes a half claim on the ribs of broken giants, a claim that has apparently started a half hearted war with the graveyard’s would-be daylight cultivators. But now those battles wait for the sun, and the vines move upon whatever their fingers can gather before their new-found fortunes are, presumably, severed from them. An unseen river softly interrupts what would otherwise be total calm, and animals that deem themselves brave enough wander here and there as they let their curiosity drive them. As for me, I pass here and there as I please, a soft tune playing in the wind as I pass, making note of this and that, waiting until the time when I will be permitted to pass out of this twilight realm into a cool summer morning.

Our little secret, no one needs to know we’re feeling higher and higher, like clouds reining over the dominion that we look up to see in the middle of the night. There are boundaries to flight, and yet we dare to fly higher than that. An unstoppable jet that if pushed too far may crash back to earth like a car with no gas in a building that clashes with the scene lying before you. A star there to warn you. There are limits to our heights, and yet here in our flight, we never stop to think. Will I sail or will I sink? I played scrabble today. Suffice it to say that if I place my sails on a triple word score, combined with my height, I just might soar to the place I’m in now, that I want to be. Shall I then turn to you? Then will you see? This is the place that I dare to be, so far above those that would turn on me. Feed off of my individuality. It is then I will turn to you. Yearn for you. Would you do the same for me?

Where the sweet smells of the coming summer radiate throughout me. These are the days when the flowers smell sweetest, flourishing with new blooms unhindered by the insects and parasites that are sure to come later. Summer will bring these challenges and afflictions, but there will be a time for that later, just as time always brings such conflicts that come with the change of seasons. For now there is peace, and all the world lies in wait for coming attrition. We will all be ready, just as always, but for now I sit amidst the night wind and drink in the calm, taking in the soft bombardment of my senses, the quiet ammunition of a world at peace.

Will come along tomorrow. Im too lazy to pull out the war machine just to upload music. Hell, I haven’t even unpacked since I arrived home from university. I will leave you with a thought though. Recently I’ve developed the notion that the people in your dreams are a warning from your subconscious. It’s telling you that the person you see may not be who they say they are. Your subconscious usually picks up more details than you can consciously. So next time you dream of someone and it feels like a warning, pay close attention to what they do, your subconscious self may be helping you in the long run.

In the grand scheme, if you can think that broadly, all we end up as is an infinite line of precariously arranged dominoes running in tangent and intersecting paths. Due to the laws of infinite variability and chaos theory, over a long enough period of time our line of physical effect and continual change comes to an end through a miss in the connection of one ivory chip to another. It is sad to think about in this fashion, but it is not just the inevitable failure of continuity that makes the whole thing beautiful.

Strange to think upon the unnatural clarity of an insignificant event, one that would ultimately bring you to a realization of who you were, are, and am. A point of perspective, finite, and yet connected to everything you have ever done through the chain of choices you have made and the events that forced them. The only reality that you will ever know. Yet even as you perceive and understand this, you know that there an undefined number of alternate and tangent paths that could have been taken. It is the fact of your ultimate being that made you choose the path that led you to where you now find yourself. Because the resounding truth is that there is no other version of you, only what you might have been. You see, when a choice is forced from you, a switch is flipped and all the parts of your conscious alterations to your behaviour and personality fall away, leaving only the unbridled will that contains your motives and set of built-in morals and beliefs that cannot be shaken from you. It is in these moments that an observer can catch a glimpse of the truth of an individual. It is this truth that, through the hardest choices I have ever had to make, I now have the ability to see for myself, whether or not I have the ability to understand it yet. It is this self reflection that has paralyzed me. Crippled me. I have lost patience with this unending self scrutiny. I have no doubt that I will eventually know why those choices were made, and what that makes me. I have no doubt that clarity will come. My full potential at times has been unleashed to staggering effect, and one day this potential will be harnessed. One day I will be content with the core of me, not because I will know that what it is, for I know it now, but because I will understand it. I will understand it and be unafraid to mask it behind the walls that make me like everyone else. On that day I will be able to take on those who rise against me because I do not hide the fact that I am different. On that day I will trust that I am justified, and that we will all know that I am me.

So that you can be the purest thing that you can be, so that your homeostasis remains as close to unaltered as possible, without any over abundance of your natural chemistry, and so no living thing is ever harmed. I only eat Acetyl CoA and concentrated ADP, with a broad range of pure proteins and vitamins, Thus I have no need to even consume living things. I have zero percent environmental impact, except the very earth that I move when my feet touch the ground.