The Patron Saint of Losing Sleep

In a pool of percocet. I keep humming tangerine sky because it’s stuck in my head, but I keep randomly starting over because I forget my place in the song…. This is gonna be an interesting day. (It took like five minutes to write this out because I kept forgetting what I was trying to say)

The blood-moon sets the night ablaze

the shadows whisper secrets to me from the haze

I forget about time and space, where I am

The darkness closes in, I feel the stem

of something wicked, piercing, beckoning,

searching for my soul

but it cannot take me

I am protected from the dark tendril’s sting

and as suddenly as it crept from hiding,

it’s intoxicating chant crawls back into the night

with promises that I will see it again soon.

Can I just take a minute, let me spell it out

These foggy nights and long walks help me make these minutes count

I ask you here and there if you think for certain you’re quite sure

Because I’ve got a feeling that this may have been your work

And you just set the air astir

Just like my dreams all seem at first

And in these moments I feel there’s no way I am wrong

For you I’d keep on writing all these ridiculous songs

That say my secrets seem to keep on spilling out

And every other girl I see now seems to be without

It doesn’t mean that I can describe you perfectly in verse

Just that I think I have to say it here to quell my thirst

And the air still moves without contention from the earth

And I know you cant be stopped because you started first

All I want for you to say without a single doubt

Is that you’ll never walk away without my hand in yours now.

Really wants to just sit you down and pour out exactly what I’m thinking right now, that in the back of my mind I keep telling myself I’m crazy, that I should be telling you to stay. You are the dream girl, and I think you should know that, and I don’t know why I’m so ready to just let you go without telling you so. Maybe it’s because I don’t really think I deserve my dream girl, or maybe it’s because I wouldn’t want the girl of my dreams to miss out on an experience that she felt she should be a part of. I guess I just cant stand the thought of you being unhappy because you decided not to chase your aspirations. But at the same time I want more time with you.

When I first realized that there are some things that are so deep and dark that you can never talk about them to anyone. The essence of a secret is what I had learned, and at a rather steep price. It also taught me that putting on a mask is the only way you can never get hurt. When I met the lost boys, they taught me that compartmentalizing like one does when living in one or more facades for their different social roles is constricting and ultimately rather unfulfilling. There was another way to protect against others who would seek to strike at my soft spots, the trade off being more enemies over time. And so now I am a socially bulletproof elitist and verbal gunslinger. So far that works for me, and I like not holding back.

When we were little, we said that one day we would go out and adventure. Now we’re older. We can do just that, and we say that we will, but our lives that were once filled with imagination and spontaneity are now nothing but a week of work and a planned spontaneous combustion in the bar or club or party house every week, just to pick our selves up and put ourselves back together before Monday comes again. How long until we realize that we are living the lives of the lotus eaters? How long until we realize that this vicious cycle is not what we want or need? We said we would be intrepid, go out into the place we’ve always lived, search out the corners of our little map, and push further out into the world from there. We said we would never be tame, and still the ritual has caught us. We are acting like the nobodies that spend their paychecks at the bar and live out their lives on the hamster wheel, never wondering what there is beyond minimum wage work and this city. This is not enough for me. Getting sloshed at the end of each week just doesn’t do it for me. It never did. I have better things to do with time and a little saved money. Give me that one great love. Give me black tie affairs. Give me a car and a map to somewhere new. Give me an interesting job and a staff of a few good men. And above all else, never, ever let me fall into the blue and white collar cycle. I am not ordinary, my life is not ordinary, and I refuse to jump headlong into the pitfall of the American dream fallen short. Ordinary=life imprisonment. I will not do what society tells me to. Society is wrong.

I have to say that I don’t really have any complaints about life. This last year was rough for sure, and I’m still dealing with the after effects of a lot of fallout from a lot of unfortunate and unexpected events, but that fallout is clearing. Even now it seems that everything will be alright as new beginnings and happy endings come about in an odd sequence that makes me question whether or not fate intervened in many of the lives I am interconnected with, but for now I’m not going to comment. I’ll just let it be and continue working on being a better me. It’s a plan that seems to be working out in a good way so far…